Good Morning

I'm still reading the chakra books and hoping for everything to go away.  I'm really beating my self up thinking I have brought this on myself.  I don't mean I wanted to have GBS and wished for it.  What I mean is the way I have reacted to circumstances in my life and this is what my body answered.  That is somewhat upsetting.  On one hand I'm excited to learn about my body and the chakras but on the other hand because it's not getting better I'm discouraged.

The picture above is kinda how I feel.  In a whirlwind of emotions, not really having any direction or plan of attack.  I've been dropped in the middle of a storm and can't see the end or how to take cover.  I'm the kind of person who needs a plan.  I'm looking for the directions,  the remedy,  the how to,  the here's what you do next.  But I'm not finding anything.  That is, anything to begin with, or start here.  I am getting a lot of information and I'm very happy about that but I can't seem to find where I'm at.  I don't know if I'm lost or found.  I just want some answers.  Everything seems so vague.  I keep trying different things but nothing has really made a difference.

It's funny three months after leaving the hospital my family took me to Disneyland here in CA ( the best and only Disneyland).  I was feeling great.  Everyday there was some kind of improvement.  I would say this syndrome has the best recovery ever.  It was because the improvements were everyday.  It was almost a joy to wake up everyday because I knew I would be improving somewhere on my body.  You couldn't help but feel joy and happiness.  BUT and this is a big BUT... about 3 weeks or so after we got back from Disneyland something changed.  My body felt different.  I was no longer improving.  Forget about the daily joy of recovery.  It was all mixed up.  My body felt like someone had smeared a potion over me to stop all improvement and go in a different direction.  My eyes were giving me problems and the worst thing of all I had completely lost my balance.  I'm not kidding, I had no balance  in anyway shape or form.  The bottom of my feet felt like I was walking on foam and not in a good way.  My balance had and is still gone.  It took an Elvis and left the building.  If I'm standing up right now and look up to the ceiling you can bet I will topple over unless I am hanging on to some thing.  I want no toppling of any kind.  I really do not want to think about MS. In the hospital they did say NO to that.  So that is what I am sticking with.  I will get over this.  I will start improving.  I want that daily recovery.  I want the wonderful feeling knowing things are improving and I can get back.

It's really awful being like this.  Having to depend on others for a lot of things.  Believe me I feel so bad having to ask for little things.  There is so much I want to do here at the house. My screened in porch is thick with dust.  There is no way anyone would sit out there now.  There is a place outside the porch that has become a catchall for trash.  I mean it's awful and embarrassing.  The other outside area's are a mess also.  A broom would make a big difference along with a lot of wet rags.  The yard if full of leaves, chicken feathers, odds and ends of trash and sticks.  It needs raking so bad.  THIS is all the jobs I would be doing.  I should be out there making everything look neat and homey.  We don't have fancy things nor do I want fancy but what we do have we need to keep neat and clean in order for it too look good.  Right now it looks trashy.  I can''t expect My Jim to do all of that.  That would not be fair. Believe me he has plenty to do and in a few weeks he will be working in the rice.  That means everyday until the rice is in.  We are talking 3 to 4 weeks.  It is necessary.  Being on a fixed income this extra money really helps.  This year we need a new roof before winter.  So that is what we are aiming for.  I got a little carried away here but do feel better.   Tootles