Have we done it right ? Or is there a right ?

     Did you ever look back on your life and realize you missed out.  You missed out on so many things.  I'm not talking about riches or places, trips or lands to conquer.  I'm talking about your life from the time you left school but then even in school.  I mean things that happen in school, like dances, meeting new friends and grades.  How about the grades.  Why didn't they mean something to me. Why didn't I understand how important it was to try, at least try.  I say, I was told from my Mom, that she didn't do very good in school so that became my crutch.  I used that, but why did I use that.  It shouldn't have mattered what her grades were but you see then I found out she was on the honor roll.  WHAT!  What does that say for me.  Maybe she didn't think I could do any better so was trying to make me feel ok about it.  That hurts, a lot.  I feel terrible about it now because I really never believed I could do good in school.  I really missed out.  I remember feeling that I was dumb and that is really awful but now I see if I had just tried, I think I would have done very well.  Don't get me wrong I am in no way blaming my Mom.  She was just being sweet and letting me down easy.  I should have been the one to give it a go.  Then after High School, after getting married I always felt that I was always running to something else.  It didn't matter what was in my life at the time I was always running to get somewhere else.  I didn't appreciated what I had right in front of me.  You know as the saying goes, "The grass always looks greener on the other side,"  That was me.  When I had all my kids, I would think how nice it would be if I had a good job and was single.  Don't get me wrong, I love each and everyone of my kids.  There was never a dull moment and we did have a lot of fun but did I really realize just what I had, while I had it.  No, I don't think so.  I do know everyone has regrets and wishes they could go and do over a lot of events in their lives, but that is not what I'm trying to say.  I don't want a do over, I don't want to change my life, I would just like to love every moment so much more.  You know what I mean.  In the moment anything was happening I wish I would have been there fully in that moment.  I hate to say it but I just don't think that I was.  It's funny but I really don't want to know what my kids would say about their growing up years.  I'm afraid it would be different then mine.  I mean a few years ago I never had any of these doubts.  I would say with all the confidence in the world that we had a loving home, happy kids, happy times and generally a great family but then time marches on and you hear a little here and a little there and you realize maybe they didn't think it was so wonderful and that's when the doubts creep in and you realize those terrific kids you raised have an opinion and maybe it isn't the same as your opinion.  Scary uh?  I just wish I could go back and all those little moments, the ones that don't last more than a blink of an eye moments and experience them again and make sure I appreciate them.  Make sure I know and realize those are the moments to remember. Those are the moments we cherish.  Those are the moments that shape our lives.  It's the ones we don't plan, the ones that just happen, no one knows why.  Have I messed up ?  Did I do it wrong.  Well, is there a right and wrong or is it just a different way.  I don't know.  I wish I did because then I would pass it along to you and we could ease so many hearts.  We could say it's ok.  Here are some thoughts for you to ponder and maybe you can come up with some answers. 
     Now that I am much older and have much, much time to sit and ponder and think, I realize I could have done things a lot different.  I know that is what everyone says but hey, why make us so wise now ?  Just what are we suppose to do with it ?  Where are we suppose to go and give all this wisdom away ?  I sure wish I knew that.  It would be a joke to try and tell a young person today some of what I have learned.  They would not understand.  They (I don't know who they are) say people have to make their own mistakes otherwise they do not learn.  You know, this is a quote from someone famous and I'm sorry to say I don't remember who said it....."A smart person learns from his mistakes but a wise person learns from other peoples mistakes."  That is wise.  It would be lovely to have had an angel right by your side guiding you every step of the way.  Tapping you on the shoulder to make you aware,....."Hey, this moment your in right now is something you need to pay attention to and remember."  Wouldn't that have been great.  Tootles